Through research conducted for my book, Can I Offer You Something? and my work as an organisational psychologist, it’s become clear that one of the main reasons feedback is so challenging for people is that work is more than work. For many it has become entangled with who they are, and it’s difficult for people to separate themselves from what they do. Work is not just a collection of skills and knowledge that people use or something they show up and do for a few hours. So, when someone says, “Your presentation could be better,” what people hear is, “You could be better.”. It’s as if the words hit people straight at the heart of their identity.

Exchanging feedback can end up feeling incredibly personal. The highs are encouraging and motivating, the lows can feel confronting and judgemental – no wonder people feel anxious. This anxiety leads people to avoid feedback altogether, rush it, or employ strategies to just get through it.

The people offering feedback become preoccupied with not saying the wrong thing or upsetting the person in front of them. At times I have seen this translate into providers preparing talking points to remember what to say but ultimately attempting to control the recipient’s response. 

The person receiving feedback will be bracing for impact, trying to anticipate the unknown of what might be said. They rack their brains for things they have or have not done that might come up. This is typically so that they can prepare responses and replies, ultimately attempting to control the perception the person providing feedback has of them.

Both approaches are completely understandable and happen at an unconscious level to help people feel safe. But they keep people in their heads and not present in the exchange, which means they are prone to missing information or opportunities for clarity. This adds to feedback anxiety as any gaps get coloured in with unhelpful stories about what people are experiencing. This can lead people to disconnect from the content, from others in the feedback exchange, and, in some cases, from their work or organisation.

What can you do instead?

The good news is that while feedback can be hard, it doesn’t have to be. There are many things that you can do to change how you experience feedback; here are three actions you can take immediately to have a more productive and grounded relationship with exchanging feedback.

Control the possible 

No matter how many times I have been asked, it is not possible to control another person, but we do have full control of ourselves. Instead of trying to control the other person in the feedback exchange, focus on staying grounded and in control of how you show up. 

As humans, part of our brain is designed to give us what we focus on; if we go into a conversation thinking, “This is going to be difficult,” it’s likely to play out that way. That’s not to say that we should try and fool ourselves that every feedback conversation will be easy, but as we get what we focus on, we should be clear on how we want to be rather than not want to be in the feedback exchange. 

You can start by asking yourself: How do I want to show up in this conversation? Calm, present, clear…

Get the recipe   

Across my research, 100% of participants knew their own recipe for how they best exchange feedback. Interestingly, 100% of people had not been asked for or had shared this with the people they work with. 

Many people talked about just having to go with it. But what if you didn’t? If exchanging feedback is anxiety-inducing for everyone and you know your own preferences for getting it “right”, it can not only help recipients get what they need, it will also save providers from guessing and likely getting it wrong. Taking the time to become clear about your preferences will allow you to proactively share them with the people you exchange feedback with and contract out an approach that works for you both.

You can start by asking yourself: “How do I best receive feedback?” For example, do I prefer to receive it and discuss it immediately, or receive it in advance and discuss it after some time to reflect? Also, “How do I want to deliver or have the feedback delivered? In person, in writing, on a call.”

Understand goals  

In many organisations, feedback is saved up for annual review time. This can apply pressure for both providers and recipients to recall and recount a year of performance in a short time frame. Feedback can end up feeling tied to nothing more than “it’s just that time of year”. The result is that feedback can feel both incredibly personal and impersonal all at the same time. 

By understanding and aligning on the developmental or professional goals you and others have, you can associate feedback with those goals rather than who the person is or isn’t, grounding it in the reality of what you or they want to achieve in a timely way. 

For example, there is a vast difference between exchanging feedback that says: “I didn’t like the way you communicated six months ago; you’re generally not a good communicator, so you need to work on that going forward if you want…” versus I know that developing your communication skills is important to you; over the last month, from my perspective, I have noticed x. Would it be helpful to chat it through, as I know you want…”

Takeaway

Feedback is rarely a solo endeavour, so why make it so? By proactively working with the people you exchange itwith,h you can limit, and even avoid, much of the anxiety everyone experiences. Feedback can be hard, but it doesn’t have tobe,e and that starts with acknowledging that people are so much more than the work they do. 

Becky Westwood is an organisational psychologist and chief experience officer of Monkey Puzzle Training and Consultancy.