Sometimes we forget that our children are themselves, not a complicated prescription for curing our ruined dreams. We forget that the dreams we never fulfilled are not the same as theirs, and that when the umbilical cord is cut, a new independence is born, one that wants to walk for itself and, before long, run for itself.
We forget, too, that we do not own our children or their futures. Their interests and tastes differ from ours, they have a world of their own, and we have no right to impose ours on them. Their talents and temperaments may be miles away from ours, even though they borrowed most of their genes from us. Which parenting style actually works is a live question for many families, but no style works if it treats a child as a second attempt at our own life.
When parents expect a copy of themselves
Sometimes we behave like parents who never liked the colour of their own eyes, always wished for a different shade, and now expect to see that colour in their children’s eyes instead. Whether we admit it or not, when we insist that our children become who we wanted to be, we act a little like immature children whose dreams never came true.
It is worth reminding ourselves of this, and, if the chance arises, being the ones who strive for our own dreams. And if there is no longer any chance to achieve them, it is not a bad idea to let those dreams go, rather than loading our unfulfilled desires and aspirations on to our children.
Remembering the weight we once carried
Sometimes it helps to look back and remember how the pressures and demands of our elders weighed on our small shoulders and took away our ability to walk on our own. Many of those requests bore no relation to our interests, talents, or spirit, yet out of respect we complied, even as our backs bent under the burden.
If we gather the pieces of those requests that always bothered us and fit them together like a puzzle, we may see how the picture of our own independence was never completed, even though we loved independence. That memory is a useful guide when we are tempted to do the same to our own children.
Why a child’s first no is worth celebrating
Sometimes it is not a bad thing to be happy when a child says no. A child’s first refusal of a request that does not fit their mood or interests is a first step towards independence, so it deserves to be welcomed rather than met with insults or arrogance. Celebrating it teaches the child that they do not always have to say yes.
This matters beyond the family home. Children who are scolded for saying no may find it much harder to refuse inappropriate requests from strangers later on, so a child’s no is better read as a good omen than as defiance. Raising resilient children rather than fragile adults depends on giving them room to practise that kind of judgement.
Guides, not owners
Time teaches us that children have the right to be themselves, to have their own world, and to create their own future, even if they make mistakes as we did and regret some of them one day. Which human being have you met who has never made a mistake and regretted it? Our role is to guide and support them. If we understand that responsibility properly and welcome a timely no, our children will most likely make fewer mistakes than if we take away their chance to refuse and to be independent.
FAQs
- Why do some parents push their own dreams on to their children? Often it comes from regret over goals they never reached. Without realising it, they treat the child as a second chance rather than as a separate person with different talents and interests.
- Is it healthy for a child to say no to their parents? A child’s timely no is an early step towards independence. Children who are allowed to refuse at home may be better able to say no to inappropriate requests from others later.
- What can parents do with their own unfulfilled dreams? They can pursue those dreams themselves while there is still a chance, or let them go. Either path is kinder than placing them on a child’s shoulders.
Takeaway
Our children are not here to finish what we started. When we guide rather than own them, and treat their no as a sign of growth, we give them the independence we may once have been denied.
