People who have a higher quality relationship with their parents tend to have higher levels of well-being throughout their lives. This is true in adult parent-child relationships as well; in fact, strengthening or re-establishing healthy relationships with aging parents can positively impact overall well-being.  

This dynamic, however, becomes difficult for people who have survived childhood trauma at the hands of their parents. For one, childhood trauma changes brain structure. How we process emotions and relationships can be altered as a result of trauma. In addition to this, adult survivors of childhood trauma may hold guilt, shame, and resentment toward their parents, and addressing these emotions can bring up a minefield of unspoken conflicts and unhealthy behavioural patterns. 

Childhood trauma survivors have to ask themselves: Is it even worth pursuing an adult relationship with their parents?

What’s right for one person might not be right for you. Although mending your relationship with your parents has the potential to be healing, it can also be damaging. So, before you take that first step and initiate contact again, make sure to prepare yourself. Answering these five questions can help.

Step 1: Who are you keeping the peace for?

Confronting your parents about what happened during your childhood will disrupt your current relationship with them. If you are avoiding this conflict, you have to figure out if it is to protect your peace or your parents’. 

If you’re keeping the peace for yourself – if it’s not safe for you to start this conversation or you don’t feel ready – then that’s fine. There’s no rush.

If you’re keeping the peace for your parents, we need to ask why. What are you trying to do for them? As an adult, you have power and control, and you don’t have to protect your parents. You can choose to keep the peace for yourself or take steps to move the relationship in a different direction.

Step 2: What do you want out of the relationship? 

An important step in therapy is recognising that what happened to you was not okay and not your fault. Once this is understood, the question becomes “What am I going to get out of talking to my parents?” Because it’s not about your parents. It’s not about fixing them or giving them a chance to apologize. It’s about you.

Some people decide they want an apology, in which case we once again should ask why. An apology won’t erase everything that’s happened, but for some people, an acknowledgment of the pain their parents caused is enough. 

Once you know what you want, you can start building a healthier relationship with your parents.   

Step 3: What guilt and shame are you still harbouring?

The trauma you experienced as a child does not define who you are. It was something that happened, but it was not your fault. Despite this, many survivors experience intense guilt as adults. Letting go of this guilt is one of the first steps in redefining your relationship with your parents.

Another obstacle you’ll have to break down is “man-built barriers”. Sometimes, children being abused are told if they talk about it then something bad will happen, like their family being split up or them being placed in foster care. This again can create a sense of responsibility and corresponding guilt that is wrongly placed on the child.

It’s okay for someone who hurts you to get into trouble. It’s okay to end a relationship with someone abusive. It’s okay if abusive actions have negative consequences. That guilt is not yours to carry.

Step 4: What idea of your parents are you holding on to?

The next step is identifying the idea versus the reality of your parents. We are fed a perfect relationship with our parents through the media, and it’s easy to start comparing our reality to this flawless idea.

However, your parents might not be able to fulfil this perfect ideal. In therapy, we talk about the reality of what your relationship is. For example, it’s understandable to want your dad to walk you down the aisle when you get married, but is that realistic to expect? And once he does, what do you want your relationship with him to look like afterward? What steps need to be taken to get there? 

While we can’t force the idea of your parents to meet the reality, you can define a different, healthier relationship. 

Step 5: What boundaries do you need to keep yourself safe? 

After all of that, if you want to start a conversation with your parents, it’s crucial to first talk about boundaries. We need to make sure that you remain in control and safe during these conversations. 

Good boundaries to have before starting a confrontation with your parents include:

• What’s your way out? If the conversation gets too hard, do you have an exit path?
• What is your stopping point? Know what “too much” looks like before you initiate any conversation.
• What environment are you meeting them in? Have control over the environment. Even if you’re going over to their house, make sure you have a way to get home.
• When your parents aren’t reacting how you’d like, how will you respond?
• Will they be allowed to contact you? If so, how?

We are taught to take care of our own – family is family, no matter what. But if a total stranger did the same thing to you that your parents did, what would you do?

There would probably be a negative consequence because what happened wasn’t okay. If this is true, then why is it okay for a family member to do the same?

Family can be who we choose. It’s okay if your birth mother and father aren’t in your life anymore. You can make your own family, and that includes someone you look up to as a parental figure.

As an adult, we have something we never did as kids: control. With that control, we don’t have to be trapped in the mindsets, patterns, and relationships that were forced on us as kids. Whatever route you choose to take with your parents, do it for yourself.