I teach parenting skills to incarcerated men. I know what put them on paths that led to drug addiction and crime, and I want to share what I know with parents to help them keep their children from going down similar paths.

Many of my students experienced trauma growing up, including emotional abuse (constantly being yelled at, criticised, and threatened), physical abuse, neglect, being around addicted drug or alcohol users, and witnessing violence outside the home. Many used drugs to numb their emotional pain and became drug addicts. Some had sold drugs. Some were gang members. Some had spent most of their lives incarcerated.

I develop a sense of empathy during the 12 two-hour sessions as I get to know my students and their experiences of being raised by people who had traumatic lives growing up themselves. I consider it a privilege to stand at the front of every class and direct a discussion about how to become a better man and a better dad.

The difference in their demeanour from the first session to the twelfth session is striking. They develop a glow – a light – that radiates around them. Their self-worth increases noticeably, and they take on a hope that their life as a man and a dad can be meaningful and inspiring. They realise they can make a positive difference in other people’s lives – especially their children’s.

We practise a ritual. As each student enters the classroom, he knocks on the door frame, symbolising he is leaving the jail or prison behind him and entering an environment where everyone is simply a dad, here to help others become better dads. There is no judgement or criticism allowed in my class. I want it to be a safe place where students can be authentic, vulnerable, and say what they feel. Sometimes tears are shed. We have a saying that we live by: “What happens in class stays in class.” Everyone agrees not to talk about sensitive issues discussed in our class outside of our class.

When class members feel a sense of belonging and feel heard and understood, they are more willing to open up and share the wisdom they’ve accumulated from the experiences they’ve gone through.

I want my students to learn a simple way to remember how to be a good dad right from the first class: session one. I want to take you into my classroom and let you experience a typical discussion about how to be a good dad. Even though I’m talking to dads, this can be applied to mums as well.

How to be a good dad

I start by saying, “I can tell you how to be a good dad in five words.” Now I have their attention. “But first,” I say, “let’s define what a good dad is. I would like to suggest four things a good dad can cause to happen.” I write “Good Dad” on the whiteboard, draw a line under it, and make a list of four things.

1. Relationships between dad and children grow stronger.
2. Cooperation increases.
3. Dad builds a strong family where his children learn and practise good values.
4. Dad increases the likelihood his children will make good choices when he is not around.

I say, “If you could increase the odds of these four things happening without trying to control your children’s behaviour by screaming, threatening, punishing, bribing, or lecturing, would you consider yourself to be a pretty good dad?” Heads nod.

Then I say, “Now I’m going to tell you something that many dads don’t know; a formula for becoming a good dad. This formula is easy to remember. In fact, it is only five words long. But they are the most powerful five words a dad (or a mum) can live by: Meet the 4 Emotional Needs.” I write “Meet the 4 Emotional Needs” on the board and draw a line under it.

I say, “You see, all children have four emotional needs that must be met. When you meet these needs, you don’t need to try to control your children’s behaviour. You become a good dad naturally and automatically.”

I continue, “Now hear me when I say this. If you do not meet your children’s four emotional needs, whether you know about them or not, that’s when struggling happens. That’s when relationships with children break down, cooperation turns into defiance, children don’t care about learning good values, they make poor choices that get them into trouble, and parents get overwhelmed and stressed out.”

The four emotional needs

Then I list the four emotional needs.

1. Sense of belonging. All children need to feel a part of the family. They want to feel important and that they matter. If you don’t meet this need, children learn that bad behaviour will get your attention, and angry attention is better than no attention at all. That’s how powerful this need is.
2. Personal power. Every child wants to feel independent, in charge of themselves, and free to choose. They want to do things their way and don’t like grown-ups telling them what they can and cannot do. They don’t like anyone interfering when they are having fun, experimenting, or exploring. If you do not meet their need for personal power in positive ways, they will discover they can meet that need on their own by saying ‘No’ to a directive and could eventually become defiant.
3. To be heard and understood. When children are in distress and are denied the opportunity to express their hurt feelings, their need to be heard and understood goes unmet. When that need goes unmet, children end up suppressing their painful feelings. If this need continues to go unmet for a long time, the stored-up emotional pain can result in acts of defiance, depression, or addictions.
4. Boundaries. It has two parts: teaching and correcting. You will teach values, expectations, and rules. When you make a request, you are teaching (or setting) a boundary. When children don’t meet your expectations or disregard a rule, you correct their behaviour.

Meeting these four emotional needs helps fathers naturally become better parents. When children feel a sense of belonging, their relationship with their dad strengthens. When they have a sense of personal power, cooperation increases. When they feel heard and understood, they are more likely to learn and practise good values. And when they have boundaries, they are more likely to make good choices.

This is a lot of information for my students to absorb, but that’s okay. We review the four emotional needs at the beginning of every session. I’ll start a discussion by asking one of my students, “How do you be a good dad?” By the end of the course, they all confidently answer, “Meet the four emotional needs,” and they will know the skills to meet those needs.

You don’t have to be incarcerated to learn how to be a good dad or a good mum. The bottom line is this: when you meet your children’s four emotional needs, good things happen. When you don’t, that’s when you and your children are more likely to struggle.

Richard O’Keef is a parent educator, speaker, and author. His latest book, “911, What is Your Parenting Emergency?“, explains the four emotional needs and 15 parenting skills needed to meet them.