What happens when talking therapy falls flat? You have done the work, you know why you feel how you feel and you have all the conscious tools to help you change – but you cannot seem to shift that gnawing sensation of anxiety that feels like it is burned into your insides.
If you spend any time in the wellness or mental health worlds on social media, you will have come across the trend of vagus nerve stimulation. Small hacks like humming, gargling or “ear release”, as well as a number of vibrating devices promise to stimulate your vagus nerve and create a feeling of calm. In an anxious and overwhelmed world, anything that promises a sense of physical release is sure to be popular.
The idea that our vagus nerve, a long nerve running from the brain all the way through the body, holds the key to our physical feelings of stress, is based on Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal theory. Porges based his hypotheses on years of neuroscientific research and showed that the vagus nerve is involved in the way our bodies respond to the world and how trauma especially can hijack our emotional regulation system. So if talking about our problems is not enough, can vagal stimulation help us to feel safe again?
Healing your early trauma
It is immensely difficult to heal from trauma, especially the early traumas we may not have words for. Every parenting book of the last decade will tell you how important those first years of life are and how vital it is that our early relationships teach us to feel physically and emotionally safe – and how damaging it can be when our first relationships do not provide for our basic emotional needs or traumatise us (ACE study). Years of early emotional neglect, of being dismissed, forgotten and unfairly punished for instance will leave a physical imprint on our nervous system. You might describe those feelings as a “dark cloud”, a feeling of “dread” and “doubt” or a sensation of constant anxiety, adrenaline shooting through the body at the smallest thing.
It is difficult to put into words something that feels so untouchable, especially because emotional neglect is not a trauma that we might be able to recount easily. It takes recognition, awareness and reflection to understand that what felt “normal” as a child, has had a lasting impact that we carry around with us in ways we might not always understand. If all you know is feeling anxious and down, is it any wonder that we might be looking for a quick fix to calm down our nervous system?
How attachment shapes our world
Our sense of safety in the world is built through experiences with a responsive and emotionally containing caregiver. A baby has no way to understand or express their needs other than signalling distress. They depend on the caregiver to translate and respond to the need for food, cuddles or play. If those needs are met, fairly consistently (always keeping in mind that no parent is able to be a consistent caregiver all the time), the baby will learn that the world and the people in it are fundamentally safe. If a parent however neglects or dismisses the child’s needs, they will grow up expecting the world to be dark, cold and dangerous. This expectation is not a conscious, rational thought. Attachment behaviours and feelings are procedural memories, they are unconscious and wired into our nervous system. The child that shies away from their parent, because the parent has not been comforting to them in the past, is reacting to an unconscious belief held in their bodies.
Going up and down the nervous system ladder
We tend to take these patterns of nervous system regulation into adulthood and they will shape our relationships in myriad ways. Porges’ Polyvagal theory assumes that there are three physical states our nervous system can be in, regulated by the vagus nerve. On the top part of this regulatory ladder, your nervous system feels open and connected to the world, safe to engage and be with others. One rung down, the sympathetic nervous system becomes activated. Adrenaline surges, we are ready for fight or flight, connection becomes difficult, tunnel vision sets in and we are primed for survival. The last rung is nervous system shutdown. We enter a freeze state in which we seize to feel and numb ourselves to a frightening and overwhelming world.
We all have the potential for these nervous system states in us and we usually cycle through them every day. But a body that is primed to expect danger or invalidation will not have much practice maintaining a connected and comforted state. Many adults who have suffered emotional neglect as children, will therefore cycle up and down the ladder from an activated to a numb state because they are the only modes their nervous system knows, without ever being able to access that feeling of calm connectedness.
This is where vagus nerve stimulation promises to step in. By activating your soothing system externally, the theory is that you can create a sense of calm by yourself and move up to the top rung of the ladder. But is it really that easy?
When soothing feels dangerous
If you are finding yourself in a state of constant activation. You notice the tension in your body, the anxiety surging, exhaustion and fatigue. Your natural coping mechanism might be to move into nervous system shutdown because soothing and comfort are not something you know how to access for yourself. We all know the feeling of needing to switch off, “doom scrolling”, mindlessly watching reality TV or using alcohol or other substances to finally stop feeling anxious and overwhelmed even just for a little while.
You might long for that feeling of comfort and connection on the top rung of the ladder. But the small child in you might associate the prospect of comfort, compassion or soothing, with a sense of dread or anxiety. Your body has learned that the world is not a soothing place because the parent who was meant to comfort, dismissed your feelings instead. And it will take conscious effort and discomfort to rewire the circuits in your brain that ultimately developed to keep you safe in a neglectful world. Emotional shutdown is not something you chose or are choosing to do – it is a survival mechanism that meant you were able to function as a child but it might not be serving you anymore today.
How to access your comfort muscle
The first step to changing the way your nervous system operates for you, is to acknowledge that you might have needs that were not met when you were a child. This is where talking therapy comes in: understanding and reflecting on what was true for you, what you learned as a child and what you would have needed that you did not receive. This does not mean you have to blame, it also does not mean you have to accept and forgive. It is about finally validating for your adult and child self that you suffered neglect and that it is still impacting you today.
Then comes the journey to healing and this can take many forms but it will involve discomfort, likely on a physical level. If you associate the need for comfort with being dismissed, accepting care from anyone will feel uncomfortable, physically uncomfortable. Moving up to the top rung of the ladder, when you have never done so before, is going to be new, scary and strenuous.
Can vagus nerve stimulation help in those moments? Yes, of course. In the best case it can calm your activated state, at least for a little while. But there is an important caveat. Our bodies do not exist in isolation and feeling comforted means more than taking a relaxing bath by yourself or a vibrating device on your neck. It might mean joining a Yoga class and learning how to soothe your body through breathwork in a room full of other people looking for the same thing and feeling connected in the process. It might mean having that uncomfortable conversation with your partner you have been dreading and learning that their reaction to your feelings might be different to what your nervous system expected. It might mean humming and singing – in a group, with others, letting bodies resonate with each other. Or it might mean finding a new friend or a new hobby and connecting with others in a way that is authentic and vulnerable.
Our bodies expect connection
If the Covid pandemic taught us anything, it is that human beings do not respond well to isolation. Depression and anxiety rates skyrocketed across every population group and despite our communal sense of trauma, feelings of connection felt rare because as a global community we were taught to fear our physical presence with others. If you look at a child and their caregiver, their bodies are always in connection: reaching out, eye contact, exploring, coming back, physical touch, comfort, it is all there, all the time. Our bodies are built to expect the physical safety of others. When we learn the opposite, our bodies are in turmoil and continue to be well into adulthood.
Porges’ Polyvagal theory shines the light on the physical link between body and mind, our sense of safety in our body. There are countless applications, treatments, tools, tips and tricks that will tell you how to “activate your vagus nerve” and “soothe your nervous system”. But they are unlikely to fix the underlying problem and the essential point they are missing is that for humans, comfort comes in connection, in being seen, heard and soothed by someone who cares. We crave other people, on a deep somatic level, but we might also be fundamentally scared of them and often for good reason. That does not mean that the path to healing lies in trying to calm ourselves in isolation. Just like a child needs an adult to help them regulate themselves and learn how to deal with their feelings, so does an adult need other people to calibrate our nervous system towards safety.
There is no quick way to heal attachment trauma. Instead, try to put your experience into a human context. What lessons did you learn about other people growing up? How does it feel to accept care and compassion from someone? Do you feel safe relying on others? What do your relationships look like now? Our nervous system is designed to function in conjunction with other human beings, we are not likely to thrive when relying on machines or social media for our emotional needs.
If you are trying to heal and feel like you are stuck in a place where your rational mind knows all the answers but your body has not caught up yet, you are not alone and there are many ways to heal your nervous system in turmoil, be it through therapy that takes somatic principles into account, a new hobby or changes in your life. But try not to do it on your own. Your nervous system will thank you.
Sarah Emmerson is a chartered counselling psychologist based in London, specialising in trauma and the mind-body connection. She runs Talking Women, a private practice providing evidence based, compassionate psychological care for women across all life stages.
