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What Is a Safe Word and How to Make One

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There is a certain connotation that arises when there is any mention of a safe word. For some, it invokes thoughts of some dangerous practices that bring participants to the edge of serious harm. Now, this is not to say there aren’t accidents but it surely isn’t as common as the public sentiment expresses it to be. There are some practices that would require safe words. These quite commonly are found within the BDSM spectrum.

BDSM is not a direct letter-for-word abbreviation as it stands for B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s (Dominance and submission), and S/M (Sadism and Masochism). BDSM has a particularly wide community representing distinct subcultures and many forms of interpersonal relationships. Safe words are technically signals that could come in the form of a code word or series of code words, these signals communicate the participant’s physical or emotional state, typically when approaching, or crossing, a physical, emotional, or moral boundary. 

Prostate massage is not one of the usual items that people would think needs an enforceable safe word. However, because of the intense nature of some men’s reactions to their prostate being stimulated. The prostate is sometimes referred to as the male G-spot and so some men can achieve orgasm through stimulation of the prostate gland, such as prostate massage. Sometimes people use the term prostate milking to refer to the massage of the prostate for sexual pleasure. 

What is the difference between milking the prostate and massaging it?

Milking the prostate involves massaging it until it produces a thin, milky fluid called prostate fluid. The only difference between prostate milking and prostate massage seems to be intentional as prostate milking usually refers to prostate stimulation for sexual pleasure, while prostate massage can refer to sexual or therapeutic stimulation. Extra care has to be given as prostate stimulation can produce a stronger, more powerful, and deeper orgasm than solely stimulation through the penile glans. Orgasms through the prostate are described by some men as more intense, and enduring, allowing for greater feelings of ecstasy than orgasms elicited by stimulation with the penis only. 

How to find the prostate? 

So, there has to be an easy way to reach this mound of potential pleasure, right? Well, yes and no. The prostate is a walnut-sized gland inside the rectum and just under the bladder. It wraps around the urethra, the tube that drains urine from the bladder. The prostate tends to get larger with age, making it easier to locate. What has been the normal way of finding the prostate was someone inserting a finger, that has been lubricated, into the rectum, then pushing slightly on its front wall where they will feel a slight bulge. That’s the prostate. Now because it is located fairly 

easily the prostate, a person could begin to massage it with a finger, massager, or sex toy.

How does someone use a massager?

Using a prostate massager has a few unique features differing from massagers for other human body parts. The shape of a prostate massager is similar to a finger since prostate massages are usually conducted using the digits of a hand. The prostate massager usually has a slightly curved head to effectively massage the prostate. Lubricant is usually necessary before inserting anything into the anus and helps to avoid injury to the lining of the rectum. Again special caution should be observed while using a prostate massager as the prostate is extremely sensitive and requires care. 

When should someone create safe words in the process?

This is where the creation of safe words would be critical for this process. Because the safe word is often used when sexual play with a partner becomes too intense, painful, or starts to creep past pre-discussed boundaries. The idea is that once the safe word is said, all sex acts have to stop and not resume until the people involved have checked in with each other about why the safe word was said. Using a safe word is about limits and boundaries, timing and delivery. How does one implement a safe word in a relationship? Well, it should be short and simple and It should mean something to the relationship. In most relationships, whenever either one uses the safe word, it immediately eases the tension. That’s because every safe word should be attached to a meaningful memory in the relationship.

Final thoughts

The safe word should remind the participants of a loving memory that was shared. Safe words should also be used sparingly. If the people participating use their safe words every day then there are deeper issues in the relationship that need to be addressed. Safe words do not always have to be used in a tense moment either. They could absolutely be light-hearted and poke fun at the situation while fully enjoying the moment. Pick something that is easy to remember, because knowing that it can stop at any time is what gives you the freedom to have the best time possible.


Simona LeVey did her degree in psychology at Tel Aviv University. She is interested in mental health, wellness, and lifestyle.

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