Home Family & Relationship Weaponised Incompetence Is a Silent Relationship Destroyer

Weaponised Incompetence Is a Silent Relationship Destroyer

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Relationships come with a myriad of challenges, one of which is the often overlooked issue of weaponised incompetence. This term refers to a situation where one partner deliberately feigns inability in performing certain tasks or roles in an attempt to avoid responsibility. Although it may seem harmless at first, weaponised incompetence can severely damage a relationship.

In the realm of relationships, weaponised incompetence typically manifests itself in everyday chores or tasks. Imagine a situation where one partner consistently “fails” to complete their share of household tasks correctly. Over time, the other partner may decide to do these tasks themselves to avoid the frustration. The seemingly incompetent partner gets off the hook, thus perpetuating a cycle that exacerbates the issue.

Weaponised incompetence can hurt your relationship in several ways:

Breeds resentment and frustration

The most obvious negative effect of weaponised incompetence is the resentment and frustration that builds up over time. The partner taking on the extra responsibilities may begin to feel overwhelmed and unappreciated. This emotional baggage can slowly eat away at the fabric of the relationship, leading to tension and arguments.

Fuels power imbalances

The partner that successfully avoids certain tasks is, in essence, manipulating the dynamics of the relationship. They exert control by placing an unfair burden on their partner. This power imbalance can lead to feelings of inequality and dissatisfaction, which may strain the relationship over time.

Stunts personal growth

In relationships, it’s crucial for each individual to grow, both personally and as a couple. By avoiding certain tasks or responsibilities, the “incompetent” partner stalls their personal development. They may become reliant on their partner for tasks they could, and should, be capable of handling, leading to a cycle of dependency that can limit the relationship’s growth.

Encourages dishonesty

Weaponised incompetence is, at its core, a form of deception. When a partner is regularly pretending to be incapable, they’re essentially lying about their skills and abilities. This dishonesty can harm the fundamental trust necessary for a healthy relationship. If left unchecked, this behaviour can spill over into other aspects of the relationship, creating an environment where deceit becomes normalised.

Undermines the principle of teamwork

The foundation of any relationship lies in the concept of teamwork. Each partner brings their strengths and works together to create a cohesive, functional unit. By feigning incompetence, one partner disrupts this teamwork, creating a situation where one individual carries an unfair share of the load. Over time, this dynamic can lead to the dissolution of the sense of partnership, causing potential emotional distancing.


Weaponised incompetence may seem like a trivial problem, but the impact it can have on a relationship is profound. It’s crucial to recognise and address this issue promptly. Honest communication is key here. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by your partner’s “incompetence”, have an open conversation about it. Express your feelings and concerns and listen to their side of the story.

On the other hand, if you recognise this trait in yourself, it’s important to take a step back and assess why you’re avoiding certain tasks. If it’s due to a lack of confidence, consider learning or honing the necessary skills. Remember, growth and understanding in a relationship are a two-way street.

At its heart, a relationship is a partnership based on equality, mutual respect, and shared responsibility. By avoiding weaponised incompetence and fostering honest communication, couples can work towards maintaining a healthy, balanced relationship. The cost of ignoring this damaging behavior is simply too high, undermining the very foundation of love and trust upon which every relationship is built.

Idris Sorenson is a seasoned relationship expert and avid explorer of human behaviour.

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