Arguments, conflict, and disagreements are a natural part of any relationship. However, when we behave in ways that lead us or our partners to shut down, this becomes a problem that many people mention they need help with when they first walk in my door. It is the pursue and chase versus the withdraw and avoid patterns of interacting that make both people feel trapped in their own ways.

When attempts at communication and bids for connection break down, many couples try resolving the issue simply by focusing on surface-level solutions. They might practice “I” statements, read self-help books, try active listening, or use worksheets. Yet, the arguments often persist and no real change lasts. As an ICEEFT-trained clinical psychologist and therapist, I utilize Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help couples break these cycles. Developed in the 1980s, it builds off original studies on attachment in babies and children. Since its inception, EFT has shown high success rates because it focuses on corrective experiences and resolving deep attachment injuries and wounds between partners, rather than just teaching them how to argue better.

In my practice providing couples therapy near San Ramon, I often look for five major signs that a relationship could benefit from starting EFT:

1. You are having the same fights over and over: If you both are getting caught in the same cycles, where the patterns are constantly either in push-pull, pursue-withdraw, or engage-avoid situations, you might want to consider reaching out to a therapist specializing in EFT couples therapy. EFT focuses on the underlying attachment, the vulnerable feelings underneath the surface, and helping couples realize that the negative cycle is the common enemy, and not each other.
2. Fear of not being loved by your partner is central to your conflict: When we become anxious, that means something scary has happened or is about to happen. Anxiety is our body’s alarm system. Once the alarm system has triggered, our bodies go into anxiety survival mode, where we either fight, flight, or freeze. This survival mechanism is supposed to help you survive a real or perceived dangerous situation. If the fear is triggered from the feeling of rejection, loneliness, not being good enough, criticism, or abandonment, then this drives partners into survival mode. One partner might fight or pursue, while the other may take flight or withdraw. Both partners are trying their best to be loved by their partner, but their behaviors are being misinterpreted. When someone pursues, the withdrawing partner may interpret the engagement as dangerous, and when someone withdraws, the pursuing partner may see the distancing as dangerous. Both individuals are trying to protect the relationship in their own way, but the way they go about it ends up triggering the other, so the message never really lands the way they want it to.
3. You feel exhausted in the relationship: Over time, what happens is the original pursuer becomes exhausted from trying to reach their partner who tends to withdraw. When the pursuer becomes exhausted, they then become the withdrawn person. Sensing that their partner has given up, oftentimes the original withdrawing partner then becomes the new pursuer. This is a typical negative cycle that leads to both feeling disconnected and drained.
4. You’re both walking on eggshells: After being disconnected, you both have a fear of trying to engage each other. There is a need to constantly filter words or second-guess yourself because you’re afraid of starting another conflict that leaves you both feeling distant from each other. Many couples can go like this for years until they can’t anymore. We can only go so long before the emptiness from years of disconnect catches up to us. Partners tend to walk on eggshells because they feel that’s the only way to stay close, and without the right help, that may very well be true. However, playing it safe and not being vulnerable often comes at the cost of emotional safety and secure connection.
5. Feeling lonely in the same room: A lot of people come to therapy feeling miles apart from their partner even though they are physically close. Most couples who come to therapy desperately want to connect, but they just aren’t sure how to do so without pushing the other person away.

If these dynamics sound familiar to you and your partner, EFT could be a highly effective fit in terms of couples therapy. However, taking that first step can be daunting. Many people avoid couples counseling because they fear the therapist will either take sides or declare the relationship a lost cause. To shine more light on the therapy process, especially for those who’ve never been in couples therapy or had a negative experience in the past, here is what you can expect when you sit down for your first EFT session:

• No referees or judges: A therapist is not there to determine who is right and who is wrong. The primary goal of EFT couples therapy is to understand what the relationship feels like from each person’s emotional experience. This is one of the most common fears that couples have coming into therapy. Some people have the unfortunate experience of previous couples therapy sessions where they were judged and the therapist did actually take one partner’s side. Reassurance that there are no referees or judges is key here.
• Mapping the negative cycle: A skilled EFT therapist will ask you both about your relationship history, how you both met, what drew you to each other, and when the disconnect began. For some, there was a pivotal moment, and for others, it was a long, drawn-out, death-by-a-million-paper-cuts type of scenario. I use this information to map and describe the negative cycle from an attachment lens for each partner.
• Slowing down the conflict: Many times, couples come in with a lot they need to get off their chest. A big part of the EFT process is slowing down the pace and exploring the feelings underneath the anger or defensiveness to access more vulnerable emotions. It is here under the surface that we learn how the fears of rejection, inadequacy, not being good enough, and abandonment affect both ourselves and our partners.

Relationships require consistent effort, but you do not have to remain stuck in a painful loop of miscommunication. Sometimes, it just takes a professional guide to help you find your way back to each other.

Dr. Timothy J. Nguyen is a licensed psychologist, couples therapist, and ICF PCC coach specialising in Emotionally Focused Therapy. He helps couples rebuild trust and connection at BalanceHour Therapy, providing in-person couples therapy near San Ramon at his Dublin, CA office and virtually throughout California.