Shame often takes root in childhood. Life can be unfair, and the presence of shame becomes a particularly powerful driver for sex, porn, and love addiction. At its core, shame means “to hide” and is a hidden companion of narcissism. It’s the painful feeling of being unacceptable, an internalised sense of inferiority – a “wound made from the inside by an unseen hand”. This often stems from early attachment issues or childhood experiences with a main carer.
Shame is based on a core belief about oneself, a feeling that (though not necessarily true) becomes deeply internalised and acted upon. Shame disrupts the natural functioning of the self. It not only emerges out of addiction but also drives addiction and compulsive behaviours, with the persistent feeling that “I am not measuring up”. This creates a diminished self-concept and lowers self-worth, often seen in those struggling through different no fap stages while trying to overcome addiction.
There’s a significant difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says, “I made a mistake”, while shame says, “I am not good enough; I am a mistake”. Shame is to sex addiction what oxygen is to fire – it’s perhaps the most damaging consequence of sex addiction, as it prevents people from seeking the support and love they need.
Shame can drive people further into destructive behaviours as they feel this is all they deserve. It isolates, driving the behaviour deeper into secrecy. The antidote is to come out of hiding with the right support and in the “right” environment.
Is “shame + narcissism = sex addiction” too simplistic? Perhaps, but it’s a useful starting point to understand these behaviours as an outlet for shame and narcissism. Breaking free from the “cover” that shame provides is difficult, but necessary for both the addict and their partner. The antidote to shame is to find safe ways to come out of hiding. Without this, individuals risk increasing shame and returning to secrecy.
Shame is especially complex in certain cultures, such as Asian communities, where it arises when an individual fails to meet collective expectations. These cultures highly value social harmony and group cohesion, with the “we” often taking precedence over the individual. This mindset fosters unity but can also impose a heavy burden, leading to a fear of rejection, exposure, or loss of community support. There is a strong emphasis on cultural honour, often leading individuals to suppress personal struggles. For sex addicts, this silence reinforces shame, which thrives in secrecy.
Looking up “narcissism” online often yields overwhelming results. This isn’t to say that all sex, porn, or love addicts are narcissists. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a complex diagnosis requiring expert evaluation. However, some traits common in narcissism (such as craving attention, controlling interactions, or insisting on being right) can be evident in these individuals. Narcissistic traits focus attention on oneself, often blinding individuals to these patterns.
Many clients at The Kairos Centre don’t recognise these traits within themselves, though a gentle conversation can help them see how these behaviours manifest. Without awareness, change is impossible; as the saying goes, “What you cannot see, you cannot change”. Life isn’t working as they wish, and with guidance, they can begin to address these unseen issues.
Narcissism and empathy repel each other like the same poles of a magnet. High levels of narcissism correspond with low levels of empathy, and vice versa. Developing empathy can help to reduce narcissistic traits, though it requires time and commitment.
There’s a significant difference between sympathy and empathy. True empathy is about stepping into another’s world to see life from their perspective. Those with strong narcissistic traits might resist this, as the concept seems entirely foreign to them. Yet, understanding empathy’s value can be the first step towards meaningful change.
Gary McFarlane is a therapist, supervisor, and trainer, and an EMDR Europe-accredited practitioner.
