Psychotherapist and counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin has outlined critical insights into identifying and managing relationships with narcissists or controlling partners, highlighting their profound impact on mental health. Drawing on her 30 years of experience, Ward-Martin details the subtle signs of narcissistic abuse and offers practical advice for those affected. The terms narcissist, controller, and abuser are used interchangeably, applying to individuals regardless of gender or identification. Below, she shares verified patterns of behaviour and strategies for navigating such relationships, based on her work with The Grace Project, founded in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse.

Signs of narcissistic behaviour

• Love bombing and rapid progression. Narcissists often overwhelm partners with affection early on, a tactic known as “love bombing”. They appear charming, sensitive, and caring, idealising their partner to accelerate intimacy. This rush limits opportunities to reveal their true nature, allowing them to gain access to finances, family, and homes quickly. According to Ward-Martin, this calculated move reduces the likelihood of separation as shared responsibilities, like children or joint finances, make leaving costlier.
• Control over time and decisions. Narcissists may dictate how partners spend their time, presenting schedules or making plans without consent. Ward-Martin notes this can feel like a surprise, leaving victims confused and gaslighting themselves when they question their lack of gratitude. Such coercion often operates subtly, eroding autonomy.
• Victim narratives. Narcissists portray themselves as persecuted, delivering emotionally compelling stories to elicit sympathy. This manipulates partners into an alternative reality, exploiting their kindness and decency, Ward-Martin explains.
• Social isolation. A narcissist may discourage time apart, using emotional outbursts or silent treatment to punish resistance. Ward-Martin warns this shrinks social circles, as victims avoid conflict to maintain peace.
• Monitoring and tracking. Tracking phones or social media under the guise of safety is a red flag. Ward-Martin highlights that unequal standards, such as refusing to be tracked themselves, reveal controlling intentions over time.
• Calculated apologies. Apologies are tactical, used to avoid consequences after harm like cheating or abuse. Ward-Martin describes their sadistic enjoyment in causing distress, with rapid relationship progression ensuring victims feel trapped by housing or children’s welfare.
• Compulsive lying. Narcissists lie convincingly, believing their version of events. For example, withdrawing money from a joint account without discussion is justified as their right, with victims labelled controlling for objecting.
• Manipulating friendships. Narcissists sow distrust by claiming friends are disloyal, using lies to isolate victims. Ward-Martin notes smear campaigns where false claims about mental stability or fidelity circulate among friends or family.
• Mental health damage. Devaluation through criticism of appearance, parenting, or habits erodes well-being. Ward-Martin cites anhedonia, a type of depression where joy is absent, as common in abusive relationships, amplified if pre-existing mental health issues are weaponised.
• Denial of basic needs. Deliberately disrupting sleep, controlling heating, or restricting medical access are abusive tactics. Ward-Martin stresses that sleep deprivation is a form of torture, and such denials are unacceptable.
• Financial abuse. Restricting work or demanding financial transparency while maintaining secrecy are common. Ward-Martin explains that wealth, regardless of amount, is used to exert control through rage or indignation.
• Narcissistic discard. The discard phase is brutal, signalling replacement without necessarily ending the relationship. Ward-Martin advises staying safe, as confronting this may provoke rage.

Ward-Martin’s advice for handling narcissists includes processing the abuse, engaging with support agencies like schools or domestic violence charities, and building a trusted inner circle. She recommends documenting evidence safely, seeking professional help, and designing a new life by reconnecting with past joys. Victims should expect rumination, pathological loneliness, and potential hoovering attempts by abusers. During divorce, guarding children against alienation and accessing co-parenting resources are vital. Learning about narcissistic abuse is a key part of recovery, as is refusing to let the abuser dominate thoughts.

Margaret comments: “If you can recognize yourself in any of the above, the abuse is not a reflection of you – it reflects the abuser. They chose you because you made them look good, are strong and accomplished and you have something they want. You do not need to do anything immediately – unless you are in danger. If so, please call 999, ask for police support and remove you and your children from the situation.”

Ward-Martin’s work with The Grace Project underscores the need for better mental health service access and destigmatisation of diagnoses. Her insights align with findings from the UK’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline, which reported over 1.5 million calls since 2020, indicating the scale of coercive control issues. Victims are urged to breathe, stay safe, and seek support to reclaim their lives.