Saying “I’m sorry” can be surprisingly tough, yet it’s vital for mental health and strong relationships. Psychotherapist Joseph Conway, registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), explains why apologising is so challenging and how to improve. His insights, drawn from his role as a mental health trainer at Vita Health Group, highlight the emotional barriers and long-term consequences of avoiding apologies, alongside practical steps to make them more meaningful.

Apologising stirs complex emotions

“Apologising can be a surprisingly difficult thing to do. It’s not because we don’t care (although for some people it may be) but because it can feel like a threat to our sense of self,” Conway says. Admitting fault often triggers shame or guilt, emotions that can feel like exposing a weakness. “Saying sorry can stir up uncomfortable emotions like shame or guilt, and it can feel like admitting we have a weakness. Ultimately, this can leave us feeling really quite vulnerable, especially if we’ve grown up with the idea that mistakes equate to failure.” For many, this vulnerability sparks defensiveness, as Conway notes: “There may also be a fear that an apology could open the door to blame or rejection, which can make people instinctively defensive.”

Avoiding apologies harms mental health

While dodging apologies might offer temporary relief, it carries a heavy emotional toll. Conway explains, “Feelings of guilt, shame, and discomfort may not always show up immediately, but they do often linger beneath the surface, and may come out at a later time in the form of chronic anxiety, low mood, irritability, or even physical symptoms like tension or restlessness.” These unresolved feelings can fester, impacting mental well-being over time.

Relationships suffer without apologies

Failing to apologise can erode trust and connection. “When we hurt someone but don’t acknowledge it, the other person may feel dismissed, disrespected, or emotionally unsafe,” Conway says. Over time, this can lead to fractured relationships, leaving individuals feeling isolated or questioning why connections fade. “Over time, this breakdown in trust can accumulate, leaving us feeling isolated or wondering why people have drifted from us,” he adds. This loneliness can fuel depression, resentment, or feelings of unworthiness, particularly if the pattern persists.

Steps to apologise effectively

Conway offers practical advice for delivering sincere apologies:

• Shift your mindset. “We know that many people avoid apologising because they fear it makes them look weak. But in reality, a genuine apology shows emotional maturity and self-awareness. Apologising does not equate to a loss of power or defeat – instead it signals self-awareness, accountability and a willingness to repair,” Conway says. Viewing apologies as a strength can reduce emotional barriers.
• Own responsibility. Conway advises using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. “Avoid blaming or sounding accusatory by saying ‘you’, and instead use ‘I’ statements. Although it can be tempting, try not to say ‘but’ as this dilutes your ownership of the situation,” he explains.
• Don’t overuse “sorry”. Over-apologising risks diminishing its impact. “A genuine apology should feel considered, not automatic. If ‘sorry’ becomes our go-to word for everything, it can lose its value both to us and to those we say it to,” Conway says.
• Be a role model for children. Apologising to children teaches accountability. “Modelling accountability not only builds trust but also teaches young people that getting things wrong is human, and that repair is always possible,” Conway notes.

Cultural context amplifies the challenge

Research found that most of UK adults struggle to apologise due to fear of judgment, reinforcing Conway’s insights. This cultural tendency to avoid vulnerability can make apologies feel like a loss of face, particularly in professional or social settings. Yet, as Conway suggests, embracing apologies can foster emotional resilience and stronger connections.

By reframing apologies as acts of strength, taking ownership, and using the word “sorry” thoughtfully, individuals can overcome barriers to apologising. This not only benefits relationships but also supports mental health by reducing guilt and shame.

Meta-excerpt: Psychotherapist reveals why apologising feels hard and shares practical steps to make apologies more sincere and effective.