22 MIN READ | In Depth

James Edward Rawson

Mental Illness or Ascension? I’ve Seen It, I Believe It

Cite This
James Edward Rawson, (2020, November 27). Mental Illness or Ascension? I’ve Seen It, I Believe It. Psychreg on In Depth. https://www.psychreg.org/mental-illness-or-ascension/
Reading Time: 22 minutes

I had downloaded a dating app after the break up of my girlfriend who took her cue to exit at the beginning of the whole awakening. It was something I had always done when single and immediately following any relationship being ended. I was not privy to the fact of my need to entertain myself when given that time alone was an unhealthy practice. It is something I would soon come to terms with this as the distraction it was. To fully embrace my solitude and independence as a practice of self-love without needing or wanting the attention from the opposite sex. And the last date I was to go out on using one of these apps was about to be with a girl I would soon fear to be working with the devil.

My usage of the dating app was minimal though, as I had been preoccupied with all my spiritual experiences while trying to work and uphold my day-to-day routine. I would spend some time scrolling through and liking profiles here and there, never to really follow through with conversation, let alone meeting in person. I mean how could I meet someone new and try to pretend that I had a life that they would want to be a part of currently. Yet, fate would bring me together with one of the most important people I’d ever meet in this lifetime. And forever will I hold her dear in my heart and continue to hope our lives stay connected.

It was my final day in Minnesota, we had just matched and there was not much of a getting to know one another dialogue whatsoever. I essentially informed her that I was only in town visiting and would be leaving in the morning for California, and offered to meet her for dinner that night. She accepted my offer and within two hours we were going to meet at a pub and grill close to the airport.

I arrived at the pub before her and sat at the bar for a few moments. Asking myself why am I doing this when I know I don’t want to meet anyone new or talk about nonsense small talk. After a moment of kicking myself, I turned to the door and saw her walking in, which immediately changed my mood.

I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight. I for sure didn’t expect to embark on a journey of a lifetime with this girl. But there was something that just warmed my stomach and calmed my heart. It just felt right. That’s the best way I can put it. No nerves about talking and trying to impress her, no worries about if she was having fun or not. Just a feeling of a genuine connection, as if we had been old friends.

During the first 10 minutes of our conversation she had mentioned she was a twin and her astrological sign was a Gemini. Feeling a little excitement, I asked if she was into astrology and that type of ‘stuff’. She told me she used to be, not so much anymore. But her whole family in Brazil were Spiritists, practising mediumship their whole life. I got a surge of excitement with that news and did a little further investigation on her beliefs and thoughts around Spirits, channelling, and that whole side of things. She explained how she used to have gifts of mediumship when she was younger and totally believes in the spirit world. But her twin sister was afraid of it, always telling her to stop. So, at a young age, she stopped for her sister’s sake and the experiences eventually stopped.

That was all I needed to hear. I was quickly unloading on her some of the experiences I’ve been having since my mid-life awakening. I was surprised to see her smiling while she excitedly listened to me telling some seriously far-out stories. Definitely the most far-out conversation in the history of first dates, ever. I still have friends that I haven’t told as much to, as I told her that night.

We went hours into the night just talking of our beliefs and wonders about our existence, the Universe and what it all meant to us. It was one of the most meaningful and special conversations I’ve had in this life. I had been feeling pretty alone and isolated at that point in time, only finding psychics to relate with me on that level. And I would always have to pay them, so this was a far better deal for me. Not to mention she was a beautiful young lady with a cute Brazilian accent. The conversation was the most important aspect of all this though and I can’t thank her enough to this very day. Simply for being someone to talk to openly and honestly, someone to relate with.

I had totally taken for granted my social life all the years prior. It had been a good many years since I had felt loneliness and disconnection from a social circle. I realised how important it is for the human psyche, to not only interact socially with others but more importantly to relate with on the same wavelengths of interests, beliefs, and activities. I had become dependent on others to validate my sense of self-worth and love. Yet, it never would fully fill the void I had underneath all the social events and fun times. I was still always feeling as if something were missing in my life, something missing in me.

Well the only way to find out what that something is, involves some digging and painful self-realisations. Some digging into who Jim is. What really makes Jim happy. What’s with the seemingly perfect life smiling on the outside, but feeling a void and incomplete on the inside? Well, this journey would soon hand me the shovel, hand me a hard-hat, and put me to work. Digging out my own soul, my own heart, my truth. And I was going to be accompanied by my new friend who I met on the dating app. Her name is Anne, by the way. She will become a major character in the stage play called my life in the upcoming months. We didn’t know it yet, but we were in for the ride of a lifetime.

As Anne’s arrival approached, I continued to wonder what to expect. I had grown quite fond of her companionship during the whole experience, yet could not wrap my head around bringing someone into my life at this time. To have her here in my home, the place of all the strange occurrences I was involved with, didn’t really seem fitting as a dating atmosphere. Nothing I had been through seemed conducive for sparks to fly with a female counterpart.

Nonetheless, she arrived in the middle of November for a weekend getaway in sunny Palm Springs. A getaway that would be less about being in the sun and more about getting into our soul.

As we were driving away from the airport I had this strong desire to connect to her heart, which I couldn’t tell you what I thought that meant at the time. I didn’t even know that’s what it was that I was feeling in the moment. All I knew was that our hearts were meant to do something and I wasn’t going to be able to fight the desire too long. I thought to myself, I’d better figure out a way to do this without being too weird.

We stopped and got a bite to eat at a little diner off the main strip of town. I could tell she was questioning her decision-making skills, as she was a bit timid and reserved. I was fully able to relate with her, as sharing my place with someone who I had one date with off a dating app, was not likely to have a high percentage of working out. I was able to shrug these thoughts off easier, but they were probably weighing a bit heavier on her, being she was a long way from home and putting a lot of trust into the phone conversations being a true portrayal of the type of guy I was. Which I could pick up on her unease and tried my best to relax the energy with humour, making light of the situation that we were both now stuck in.

We arrived back to my place, at this point I was feeling a lot of butterflies and warmth in my stomach and heart. With the overwhelming desire of wanting our hearts to connect. Chest to chest felt like the right way to go about this. I questioned my motives, was I just desiring physical action with her? This felt way different and was very specific about the heart area. I wasn’t concerned or thinking about sex, it was specifically the heart connection I wanted. Again, I still didn’t know what this meant, but I wanted it.

I figured it was best to allow her to get settled in and acquainted with the space we would be sharing for the next four days, offering some ideas of what we can do before heading out to the balcony to give her a minute. The balcony looked out over a lush green oasis of golf course painted with a beautiful cascade of mountains in the backdrop. It was a space I used frequently when reflecting or meditating on the day.

We decided on just relaxing and letting her unwind from her travels in the morning hours, which was a welcome decision, as I am not a fan of playing tour guide. Only because of the amount of pressure I put on myself to ensure that my guests are entertained. So we just laid in my bed and I pointed out all the different areas of my room that the different experiences I’ve told her about had happened.

After laying there in a moment of silence between stories, I finally asked: ‘Do you want to meditate together or something? I think I want to connect to your heart …chakra.. or something.’ She wasn’t taken too back by the request, given her knowledge and our history of conversations leading up to this moment. She said: ‘Sure.’ I could see she had a sense of inquisitiveness in her response, as she sat up more straight on the bed.

We took some breaths and as I closed my eyes I could see bright green colours in my mind’s eye. Before I knew it I was grabbing her to lay her down on my chest. As we lay there, it felt as if our hearts were beating as one. The same wavelengths, the same frequency, the same heartbeats. It was the first time I felt oneness with another human being on the level I did that day. It was an indescribable feeling, a knowing, of oneness and unity between two people. The knowing reverberated through more than just the two of us, but oneness of all people and things. The knowing was accompanied by a calming yet intense feeling of love and warmth. I can say I have never felt love, the physical sensation of the emotion of love, on that level with another person in this life. It was uninterrupted and seemingly unprovoked rush and constant flow of love. With each breath, our lungs and bodies syncing with one another, creating one melodic composition of music, from two individual symphonies.

I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t even have a desire to kiss her or add anything physical to the connection. I just wanted to continue to float in that still sea of contentment with our loving unity. Until she exclaimed: ‘I’m seeing green energy!’ Which was new for her since I had known her, and by the excitement in her voice, it was the first time this was occurring in some time. We lay there for quite some time just riding the rhythm of each other’s breath. This experience really solidified our comfort in one another.

My mind was following along to my heart with the new elevated connection I was feeling. Had I had found my soulmate? Is she the one and going to be my sidekick in this amazing journey?

Well, my idea of soulmates were limited to the notion of love at first sight, move in together, get the white picket fenced yard around the house, and living happily ever after storyline. I now know that soulmates are much broader and often less romantic relationships in one’s life. I was right about her being a soulmate, but more of the type of soulmate that’s a mirror to shine a light on the areas of your life that need strengthening or healing. So there would be no white picket fence for Anne and me anytime soon. In the months to come, there are times I would take a barbwire fence between us. We were set to unknowingly teach one another and learn of ourselves on a level that will tear down the 30 years of living and thinking we had made into our idea of our identities. Then on the scorched and fertile ground, we would be able to make a foundation for the healthy and loving perspectives our eyes would see from for the next season of life.

Laying on the bed and just vibing with the powerful love emotion that was dancing between us and through us, I don’t remember how it was broken, but I started having these flashes of my grandparents’ house in Greenfield, MA. Despite all the fond memories and family gatherings spent there, I was left feeling scared and the visions of the home felt empty and cold. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way attached to that house, but it left me with so much fear.

Anne began prodding into what I was seeing and feeling. I explained to her the house I was seeing and what it meant to me. But confused by the feeling of emptiness and fear that I was becoming more and more weighed down by. I turned away from her on the bed and sat on the side with my feet now on the ground. I began to cry and say: ‘I don’t know what it means. It’s scary,’ I told her, ‘I don’t know if there’s something I’m supposed to remember that I don’t.’

I had my head down, with my eyes in my palms as tears streamed down my cheeks between laboured breaths. She ceased questioning about the house or what I was feeling. She then spoke words that are worthy of remembering to all who read this. ‘There is nothing to figure out or dwell on.’ I listened as my vulnerability with this girl began to be apparent to my conscious mind. She continued: ‘Never give any bad memories or negative thoughts space in your mind or time from your life. For they do not serve you any longer, once you have learned the lesson or experienced the experience, move on. Move on and don’t look back. Don’t run, but don’t look back. That is how darkness gets into your life.’

At the time those words were simply like a blanket, just comforting my feelings of vulnerability as I had shown my fear and emotions openly. As I sit here almost a year down the road from this conversation, I look back on her words that day. That’s true Anne wisdom right there. Now having lived through months of shadow work and facing of darkness – my own darkness – I can truly appreciate and respect her words that day. Even from the beginning, before all the internal work and spiritual experiences we shared, she still had that strength and bravery about her.

I remember laying back down feeling relieved that I was able to show those emotions and my own admittance of not having all the answers. Not always the masculine, brave and courageous hero when facing these life lessons. In fact, I am scared and not sure what I’m doing, and Anne was a solid friend to counsel with. She was always armed with loving acceptance and strength to face whatever it was we were talking about.

We went on that day to go out to eat and enjoy each others company on a dating level again, leaving the spiritual visions, emotional vulnerability, and darkness versus light talk back at the apartment. We went to the street fair in downtown Palm Springs, taking in all the artists and exhibits of artsy products for sale. I really had fun just being playful and making her uncomfortable by talking to every stranger I possibly could. She seemed to be a bit quiet and didn’t appear to be the type to just strike up conversations with random people. Which fueled my fire to throw her into as many conversations as possible as we walked the street. Then she informs me that she does not enjoy having her picture taken unless it’s professional photography for modelling or something artistic. So then I proceeded to ask bystanders, shop owners, our server at dinner to take our picture together, always pointing out that she doesn’t like to take her picture with me because it’s not a modelling gig. She would defend herself at first, but slowly understood it’s best to just go along with it. I got my picture that night, and I also got her comfort level and playfulness to come out.

The next day we went to Joshua Tree National Park, which she knew was the place that these experiences seemed to detonate after. If you haven’t been to the park, it’s a desert landscape, a completely flat valley between mountain ranges out in the distance in all directions. Throughout the park, there are these giant boulders and rock formations that jut out of the flat dirt. Providing plenty of opportunities for rock climbing up and little caves or caverns around and under. It’s a fairly big park and takes about an hour to drive straight through if you don’t stop at all. Sprinkled with different avenues and paths to campsites and hiking trails throughout the whole central area. Usually, I would go and we would get out at a few different sites before finding one the group liked.

For Anne and I things seemed to be working naturally, as we pulled off in one of the first turn offs and parked in the very first area I found. There we hopped around on rocks for about 20 to 30 minutes before climbing the tallest vertical rock in the area which was swallowed by flat land in all directions. At the very top, the rock was shaped into a formation that made for a little backrest.

We were able to get up and sit in the natural stone reclining chair which was facing the direction of the setting sun. With flat desert as far as the eye could see in front of us until finally meeting the mountain range so far in the distance that it looked more like bunny hills than mountain ranges. We sat down and just stared into the sunset when I was quickly sensing a need to lay down. I leaned onto Anne and we fell into a position of my sitting in front of her, with my back on her chest and head resting on her shoulder. So now I was using her as recliner chair and she was using the rock. The display probably looked backwards as the 6 ft 3 man is leaning back onto the 5 ft 3 woman. But it’s not surprising anymore given our roles in the upcoming series of events.

I laid there resting on her chest with my eyes closed allowing my mind’s eye to dance with the sun’s orangish-red and yellow energies. Our breaths syncing to the same tune once more. Our hearts beating to the same tune. This time feeling the tune and rhythm dancing from our bodies and into the same song as almighty Mother Earth. As we were sandwiched between Earth, Anne and our beautiful source of light, warmth, and life – the Sun. The oneness and total contentment returned. I mused to myself if I was stuck there forever, it would be just fine.

I had been a bit drained that day, and I was welcoming the rest. Laying there charging up the Sun’s energy and rays, with my heart carefully beating with another human’s ever so synchronically, I found myself doing my meditation practice. Fully grounded and connected to earth’s core, while visualising a beam of light from above shooting down into my roots, my body spinning of rainbow colours in the beam of light.

I had started with just white light through my body when I would visualise. The first time I did this, it felt almost euphoric, raising my body temperature even. Then as I continued that for weeks, I began noticing spinning rainbow colours in front of me. Not really ever in my mind’s eye, but when I would open my eyes I would see spinning ribbons of rainbow colours, which I collected to be the communication to visualise rainbows.

On top of the rock, I felt as though my body’s energy was very powerful and more expansive than I was used to. My visualisations, I noticed, were not the normal-sized body image I would see, but was a huge projection that was taking up the whole desert area we sat in. So I just allowed it to flow as it was almost a sense of charging and strength boost right along with it. I saw a light from the Sun, shining through my heart and into Anne’s and through. My rainbow spinning spirit light body engulfing Anne and including her in everything.

As the sun disappeared behind the mountains, I began to snap back from my trance-like state. Fully recharged, as if I had just woke up from a winter’s slumber to unlimited hours of energy I just hibernated for. I don’t think Anne and I were connected as one for this feeling. The intensity and heightened energy that I was feeling felt like I could conquer the world and create anything I wanted successfully. I was like, wow is it that easy – I’ve just been missing the Sun charging? Well, we took off from Joshua Tree and head back to town for dinner.

The next day we decided to do another meditation, try to connect the hearts again. We were just open to experimenting and feeling what could feel, seeing what we could see, learning what we could learn. Well, this day’s meditation would provide all of the above, all and more. Our conceptions of normal dating were going to be blown off our radar. Ideas and cute daydreaming of Anne and Jim with the white picket fence were about to be relocated to Mars with bubble suits and interdimensional fence. I digress.

I’m grateful and absolutely cherish these memories as I write them. It provides me with love and happiness to be able to laugh and share my experiences with a positive outlook. I know it isn’t something that will be related to on experiential level, but the lessons and underlying messages and themes are useful to all.

As we were going into our meditation and connecting, I began noticing the movements and blurs of spirits on my peripheral. Well, I never knew if it were spirits, or if it were energies, or if it were ET’s, or if it were angels. I just would see what looked like forms moving about, like slipping in and out of this world. And in the peripheral, it was always more apparent with constant movement or more consistent lengths of the movement.

Regardless, this whispering and bustle meant one thing; I was about to begin some sort of spiritual work with my guides. As I began to acknowledge it was time, I had almost forgotten that there was someone else in the room with me. At the moment I accepted it, my right hand felt as if it disappeared. This was not something new to me and it felt more like a vacuum was sucking my hand away at the wrist. Which would come to play a role in my healing gifts. Although this time was different as I could see a full apparition of a being next to the bed as it was as if it was holding my hand. I started to lean myself back and lay down more comfortably. That was my go-to position for this – sitting up was too tricky in cases of lengthy sessions or more physical ones that required movement.

Then I remembered Anne is in the room. I forgot almost completely. Well, this is awkward. What am I supposed to do? But I mean she was obviously the best candidate for a girl to have over while this happens. Well, I learned that trying to fight it or push it off just made for a difficult time in focusing on anything else or I just would be overcome with needing to get it done until I finished it. Before I could say anything to her in warning of what was happening to me and that she may want to give me a few minutes, she breaks the silence: ‘Okay James, they are here to do some work with you.’

Although I was in a calmed state, I was taken back by this sudden phrase indicating she could not only see but also knew what was going on, as if my guides had given her the memo. The memo that was forgotten to be given to me every time before. I looked to her direction and she was sitting completely up on her knees on the other side of the bed facing me. Her eyes closed, her hands out in front of her abdomen, palms up. as if about to receive something. Her whole energy was different and speaking with a different tone, a different assertiveness, knowing, and trust that made it impossible for me to really question her. At that moment anyway, I had too much going on the other side of me.

Even with being taken back by the sight of Anne sitting up like that I still relaxed back comfortably into my ready state. I began to look around at all the activity around me. I had never seen it this active before. It looked as if the energies were swirling and moving around all about the room. Specifically coming from the wall at the corner of the bed on my side and all around my right side. It was as if we were in a hustling and bustling train station of spirits or angels. Again, I couldn’t specify that’s what these movements were, but it eased my mind to stick with that prediction at all times. Faith that I’m protected and surrounded by my Guardian Angels. Leave fear and logic at the door, no need to figure it out right now. Trust and have faith. But all I could see was tall figures, short figures, movements, floatings and controlled movements which were definitely consciously manoeuvred. And this one that is holding my hand, which I can see him more clearly than the rest and he definitely has a human-like outline to him. Him, her, whomever. They had my hand, and I was comforted by this connection without the need to understand.

Anne then quizzes me: ‘Do you know who has your hand right now, James?’ I reluctantly admitted my inability to see or know: ‘No.’ then adding: ‘But I know it’s okay, it feels good. I’ve learned to just have faith.’ I said trying to make up for my feeling of lacking something by not knowing.

She then said: ‘Raphael. It’s Archangel Raphael.’ I swallowed deep. ‘He says you’re doing great and he’s here for you.’ I was like, wow, an Archangel is here with me? I was flattered and grateful, to know that the ones you pray to are there for you, to know that you are looked after, you are cared for and loved. No matter what you are feeling or even thinking about yourself, feeling alone or scared, there is unlimited and unconditional love and caring from the places from which we came. Our families before and after, this life. The ones we return to. The ones that are holding our hands in the toughest and darkest times of our lives. Giving us everything they can. More like everything we allow and accept in. Believing is the strongest bond. You don’t have to understand it, life, your existence, where you came from or what these beings who look after you are technically speaking. Just having a little faith goes a long way. Open that door and see where the Divine meets you in the middle. Don’t take these experiences in my story as fair game for your own. Not at all. And especially my story, don’t build expectations around this story for your own. Even the most respected and established psychics and healers with lifelong experiences are astonished and taken back at the intensity and speed of my experiences. So this was a crash course in the advanced learning class, with some extra credit essays and a detention slip to boot.

Back to Archangel Raphael holding my hand there on the bed. A sense of overwhelming gratitude given the understanding that the love and caring provisions out there for me was beyond anything I fathomed. Even despite my own lack of self-love or unhealthy habits, care, and attention I was accustomed to. There was still loving and supportive support around me. I loved this reassurance.

So I told Anne: ‘Tell him I say thank you for the support and healing energy, please.’ She didn’t respond. I looked toward her and noticed as she seemed to be making sense of what she seeing behind those eyelids, in that beautiful mind. I thought to myself, okay this is kind of nice to have the eyes and ears for what’s happening. I had been going into this blind and on faith that I am dealing with good guys every time. Just really forcing the faith and trust, which amplified the holding on tight to my conception of God. To have Anne here, able to relay the information and communication of what’s going on was a welcoming addition.

I had the habit of keeping my eyes open during these experiences and my meditations. I always tried to see what it was that was happening to me, to see what I could see around me. So I would strain to keep my eyes open during these experiences. It always felt as though that was the right thing for me to do. From the first surgical experience I had, where my vision was toggled back and forth to show me the different frequencies I could tap into. I really wanted to learn and strengthen my abilities to see Spirit and that realm.

Anne started instructing me: ‘James, close your eyes.’ After the third or fourth time, she said this, I became a little frustrated saying: ‘I know what I’m doing. I do this all the time. I keep my eyes open, I am going to be able to see this stuff someday.’ She responded, ‘James, they are saying you need to close your eyes.’ I thought for a moment about being commanded by another person during this. But didn’t have time to put up a fight for my pride or ego, so I just closed my eyes. At which time my mind’s eye was showing me vibrant colours dancing around as if curtains of the different colours being pulled back to expose the next colour. It seemed as though I was seeing the movements that I was seeing with my eyes, but now in my mind. More colourful, yet just as non-descriptive.

My thoughts also seemed to be firing at random with words and ideas just popping up. Not making any sense whatsoever and then passing onto the next weird thought. I didn’t pay much attention to what the thoughts were at the time. I assumed it was my mind’s way of not opening my eyes despite the burning desire to do so. The things that were passing through mind aimlessly were like planets names, animal names, angels or other random names, numbers or weird scientific-sounding jargon. Until finally toward the end of it, I just started repeating: ‘The Blood of Christ. The Blood of Christ. The Blood of Christ.’ Which I thought was strange that I was apparently stating this for no reason. I wasn’t really close with the idea of Jesus Christ at this point, in fact, it would often be one of the factors that would turn me off about Christianity. So I was not using Christ for my faith or prayer at this point, and just chalked it up to be as weird as the words I had said before being: ‘Octopus families.’

I would occasionally glance up to see what Anne was doing as I was laying there in this state. She had kneeled on the bed the whole time during this with her palms out. Continuously flipping her palms over and moving energy around above my body as if stirring in and mixing up this layer above my actual physical body.

Then, as suddenly as it started, it stopped, shortly after the Blood of Christ muttering I did, not too suddenly though. I couldn’t tell you how much time passed during this experience, it was quite some time though, possibly an hour or two. I felt pretty recharged and healthy after. A bit spacey but that was a given after an experience like that. I would oftentimes feel as if it were my first time walking in this body, or my first sip of water or breath of air. This was a common occurrence after intense work.

Anne was visibly in shock and bewildered after it concluded. She was looking around the room, her eyes searching for some sort of answer on all that had just transpired. She finally asked: ‘Do you know what happened?’ I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and stared out the window. I again reluctantly beat around the fact that I had no clue, by saying: ‘Well, I just have to go on faith and trust in God. They don’t let me see everything right now.’

She wasn’t listening to me. She quietly interjected: ‘I need a minute.’

As she walked out the back door, I lay there in a moment of reflection. I was floored to be sharing this with someone else on that level. First to be confirmed that there is an Archangel with me, then to have a pretty girl with me too. I became quite excited about the idea of having a partner in this with me. The whole thing had pushed me away from people, isolating myself without the ability to relate to anyone around me. Not only the fact that no one could relate to what I was going through, but also the fact that it’s all I thought about or wanted to talk about. It was like I’m having this life-changing event, the biggest experience in my life and then being like, don’t talk about this because all your friends and family will think you’re crazy if you do, and no one will believe you anyway. So, of course, I’m going to want to talk about it and share it with my friends or those around me. I realised maybe Anne is the angel sent for me to have a human by my side during this.

She came back in the room, still reeling from the events she just participated in. I could hardly contain myself, asking her what she saw or knows about what just happened. I finally had eyes and ears in this and I wanted all of it! She slowly began to try to articulate what she had seen during the spiritual surgery as she began to call it. With a concerned look, she states: ‘I don’t know who or what you are. But I just watched as every sort of being and creature imaginable came through that wall.’ I looked back to the wall with a perplexed feeling as she went on: ‘They came and placed things into you.’

For a second I thought about what she had just said. I tried to picture this in my head now given the new insight from my ‘eyes’ – Anne. I finally asked: ‘Do you know what they were putting into me?’ She replied: ‘They would come in, in an orderly fashion. Like one race or type of being at a time. Sometimes a few of them. Sometimes a whole family or bunch of them. Sometimes just one.’ She continued: ‘Then there was a bird that flew something in, and an octopus floating in. All sorts of animals, and creatures. Aliens, things that would have scared the shit out of you. Anyone would be scared. But they all brought one thing. Love. Their energy from their home. Wherever it was they came from. Whatever they felt you needed.’ I finally choked up: ‘Like what types of creatures? Describe them to me.’

‘No James. That’s not important right now. I’ll be able to remember them and draw them in the future when the time is right. But for now all that is important is that you were just blessed and gifted love by things from all corners of the Universe.’ I was comforted by this information although having no real understanding of the implications of any of this. I began to feel a sense of honour and importance. This experience had made me feel separated and strangely handicapped from my fellows. This dissipated momentarily as I began to ponder; was I special, was this sense of a mission more important than I could have imagined?

Maybe I just couldn’t think of myself being special and important to the magnitude of which I am beginning to learn. I had been my own worst enemy, with my thoughts being a bully and intolerant, always boxing up my vision with limitation. Too concerned with comparing my current situation with that of the person next to me, rather than focusing on the feeling it strikes within my own heart. I am too quick to talk myself out of the sense of being worthy of a special existence, having a divine important purpose for being on this Earth.

This doubt and lack of self-everything were finally checked by having Anne present to first confirm what the experience was, and then to affirm what she gathered it meant for me, for her, for all of us. She thought I was special and important. Fortunately, I had her, it makes sense and it’s a difficult battle for someone to climb out of that and into self-love and faith. My existence and purpose were just far greater than I could have imagined at the beginning. Progress and steps forward, all toward self-love and acceptance of my own self. And most of all, to be able to share this gift of life and these new experiences cloaked in a supernatural adventure with a beautiful young woman whom I completely adored.


James Edward Rawson is a mental health advocate.


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