As a psychotherapist and counsellor, I have seen how negative behaviour in the workplace can harm morale, increase turnover, add to investigation costs, invite potential litigation, damage reputation, and reduce productivity. This is why I believe it is so important to have a strong and effective strategy for addressing toxicity before it takes hold.
When I identify toxic co-workers, I look out for certain patterns. Toxic individuals can take many forms, including gossips, complainers, covert bigots, bystanders, triangulators, and parasites. Each requires a specific response to reduce their negative impact.
When managing toxic behaviour, I focus on clear communication, setting firm boundaries, and, where necessary, escalating concerns to HR or management to ensure accountability.
It is also important to understand DARVO (Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender). This is a strategy where the accused presents themselves as the victim. To counter it, I stress the need to document everything carefully and report the facts to tackle workplace bullying effectively.
I encourage HR professionals to foster transparency, offer proper training on respect and inclusivity, and take safeguarding seriously to deal with toxic behaviours promptly.
Here are the common toxic types I advise people to look out for, and how I suggest handling them:
The gossip
If they are speaking about others, they will speak about you. They may conspiratorially say “don’t tell anyone I told you” to draw you in. This is manipulative and calls for caution.
What I suggest saying: “I’d rather focus on how your family are doing”, “What do we need to prepare for the meeting?”, or “I have work to do, see you later.” It helps to avoid being alone with them and limit time in their presence.
The complainer
Something will always be wrong. Even when it is put right, they will find another issue.
What I suggest saying: “Yes, it’s a pain. What are your thoughts on…?” If they drain you, consider saying, “You don’t seem happy here. Have you considered looking elsewhere?” and then end the conversation.
The covert bigot or micro aggressor
This is the colleague who refers to office staff as “girls” or calls paternity leave a “holiday”. These comments are not micro aggressions: they are openly aggressive and must be challenged immediately, ideally with a witness.
What I suggest saying (calmly): “I find what you have just said demeaning and offensive. You may be unaware that expressing these views is not acceptable.” If this does not have an impact, escalate the matter. Document and report as needed.
The bystander
This can be the person who makes us most angry because they witnessed the problem but denied it or ignored it.
What I suggest saying: “I felt hurt that you did not defend or support me earlier.” Then leave it at that. It is a professional environment, so I remind myself to manage expectations – colleagues are not friends.
The triangulator
They seek to divide and conquer to gain power, often by spreading rumours to isolate a colleague. It is wise to avoid being alone with them.
What I suggest saying: “That’s not been my experience of them. If that’s how you feel, you need to speak to HR or your manager.”
The parasite
They take credit for others’ ideas and hard work, pushing themselves into the spotlight.
What I suggest saying (in meetings or with a manager present): “Thank you for acknowledging my idea, I am pleased it was of use.” After that, I advise saying nothing further to them and ensuring all work is traceable back to its source.
The Pollyanna
Although positivity is valuable, excessive positivity that invalidates concerns can harm morale and lead to frustration.
What I suggest saying: “Whilst I understand you might find it difficult to hear what I say, it is important that you do not dismiss my feelings. I’m officially noting my concerns and ask that they are on record.”
Final thoughts
When it comes to DARVO in the workplace, I have seen how accused individuals may gaslight the accuser, dismiss their concerns as overly sensitive, or present them as fantasy. This is workplace bullying. The key is to record everything, stick to facts, and send copies of records to a trusted ally. Abusers often play the long game, using scapegoats to deflect blame from themselves.
For HR professionals, my advice is to foster openness and transparency so staff feel safe reporting concerns. Document facts rather than interpreting them — clarity will come over time. Promote respect through induction and ongoing training, act swiftly if staff seem unhappy or stressed, and take safeguarding seriously. This includes unannounced walkabouts, site visits, and random checks of attitudes in emails.
If toxic behaviour comes from senior staff, address it properly. High performers should not be allowed to get away with behaviour that would be unacceptable in others. Be aware of DARVO tactics at a corporate level where disruptive staff try to blame the company during investigations. Educate yourself about coercive control and narcissism so you can spot the signs and protect yourself.
Margaret Ward-Martin is a BACP-registered counsellor and psychotherapist with over 30 years’ experience specialising in narcissistic abuse, addiction, and early childhood trauma. She founded The Grace Project in 2021 to raise awareness of emotional and psychological abuse.
