Quick summary: Hopeful romance is optimism kept honest by testing whether a partner’s behaviour matches their words, whether respect and open communication are present, and whether goals actually align rather than mistaking early chemistry for a finished future. Practising it means letting the relationship reveal itself through repeated experience, attending to the present instead of demanding certainty, judging how conflict is repaired rather than whether it occurs, holding hope inside clear boundaries, and keeping friends, interests and a life of your own so the partnership remains a choice. That stance protects mental health and well-being by lowering anxious projection, unrealistic attachment and the drain of ignoring patterns while still leaving room for genuine excitement about love.

Many of us develop this idea in our early years that love is going to be easy; that we’re just going to find the right person at some point, and then we’ll have instant chemistry and things will all fall together easily. But as many of us know, real long-term relationships don’t usually work that way.

As I see it, there’s a better way for us to remain positive about love while still understanding how the world really works. That’s what it means to be a “hopeful romantic.

Hopeful romance is optimism with your eyes open.

It’s a big difference in that a hopeless romantic is often caught up in what they think a relationship could possibly be. So for example, a hopeless romantic may quickly attach themselves to the possibility of a relationship with someone. A hopeless romantic can also quickly develop unrealistic expectations about a new partner and can overlook many potential deal breakers when it comes to compatibility.

A hopeful romantic, on the other hand, feels the same excitement but also stays focused on whether these two people are actually compatible. Does this person’s behaviour match their words? Do I feel respected as well as listened to? Are we able to have open communication? Are we looking at similar goals and aspirations for our future together?

These types of questions will allow you to determine if there is actual compatibility between two people or if you’re just experiencing “romantic projections.

Let relationships unfold

One of the best ways for people to stay healthy while starting a new relationship is to avoid writing the story’s end before it has even begun. Early attraction can be very powerful; however, early attraction will not reveal all that there is to know about the other person. Trust develops through experiencing over and over again with someone. Compatibility begins to develop as you are able to observe how they communicate, react to negative emotions, respect your personal boundaries, and respond to daily events.

Chemistry can start a connection, but patterns tell you whether the relationship can grow.

This does not mean suppressing excitement. Enjoy the great date, thoughtful message, or butterflies. Just avoid turning one positive experience into evidence of an entire future together.

Learn to tolerate uncertainty

Romantic hopefuls often find themselves better able to tolerate ambiguity. Ambiguity is a natural part of dating because we are always left wondering how much someone likes us; if the relationship has potential for seriousness; if the relationship will continue. There can be a great deal of anxiety in trying to answer these questions as they arise. Rather than continually asking “where are we headed?” It may be helpful to focus on what is occurring right now. Can you feel comfortable expressing your true self? Has communication gotten simpler (less strained)? Do both parties appear to put forth equal effort? Have you learned something new about each other that indicates greater compatibility (or lack of it)?

You do not need to predict a relationship’s future to pay attention to its present.

Make Room for Imperfection

Healthy relationships do not have to mean that you agree on everything; they also have to mean disagreeing, misunderstanding, or experiencing disappointment at some point. It’s a lot less helpful (and a lot less realistic) to ask “do I ever get into a fight with this person?” The real question is how well we deal with fights. Can we both listen to each other? Can one of us admit when we are hurting? Can either of us say sorry before defending ourselves? Are we able to reconnect after we’ve argued?

A strong relationship is not one where nothing goes wrong; it is one where both people know how to respond when something does.

Hope should still have boundaries

Having hope means you do not need to be constantly waiting on someone else to make a change.

The most significant distinction between having hope about a relationship (accepting the inevitable normal human flaws of your partner) and continually providing excuses for your partner’s behaviours that leave you feeling undervalued, unappreciated, or drained emotionally.

Sometimes people are falling in love with the potential of their partner: Who they can grow into, how things may get better, what life together will ultimately be.

It is generally much healthier to reflect upon the actual relationship that you are currently experiencing.

Hope should help you imagine possibilities, not convince you to ignore patterns.

Keep a life outside the relationship

Before you begin, beware of love and its many hazards. Romantic love may be beautiful; however, it can also be an overwhelming and consuming force. As such, a potential romantic relationship will ultimately become much easier if you are already emotionally balanced by other areas of your life (friends, hobbies/interests, personal goals, daily routine, and time for yourself). This provides you with a sense of independence and allows you to approach relationships as a “choice” instead of out of fear of loneliness. While having a partner can greatly enhance and add meaning to your life, they should not have to fulfil all aspects of who you are. Ultimately, finding hope in a romantic relationship requires no loss of enthusiasm or passion towards love. Rather, it involves combining those feelings with awareness, patience, healthy boundaries, and self-awareness.

Kat Grassetti is the co-founder and clinical director of Monima Wellness Center.