There’s no way around it; breakups are hard. They’re hard for the ones who choose to pull the plug on the relationship, and they’re also hard on those who get broken up with. After enough time has passed for you to gain the mental clarity to assess the relationship objectively, you might find yourself wondering if you can get back with your ex.
Before deciding to reignite that old flame, you must first ask yourself if you really want them back or if you just miss them. The latter is not reason enough to rekindle a relationship.
To understand whether you can, and should, get back with your ex, check out these points to consider:
The relationship ended amicably
All breakups are tough, but some are downright ugly. If the relationship ended in an all-out war where both partners were left feeling hurt, resentful, and unable to trust each other, then it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to get them back. Some words and deeds just cannot be undone, and the mere memory of them can be an insurmountable obstacle that you and your ex-partner simply can’t move beyond.
If, on the other hand, things ended somewhat amicably, then there’s a chance that you can work things out. There has to be a good foundation and enough trust to build on. If you’ve both treated each other respectably when things were at their worst, then you most likely will be able to look past the previous misunderstandings and mishaps.
You’ve both matured
Couples who grow individually can grow together. If the relationship was bad enough that you broke up, it wouldn’t work the second time around unless some significant changes are made. Change takes a lot of time, hard work, and a high level of emotional maturity. If both you and your ex have evolved past your previous insecurities, immaturity, and personal issues, you may be better able to handle the challenges of being in a relationship.
A mature relationship is one where you don’t assign your partner the responsibility of fulfilling your needs; when you can give them space to be who they are without needing them to adopt a certain role. Honesty and open communication, especially when it comes to difficult or uncomfortable matters, are also crucial for any relationship to thrive.
The spark is still there
Having a strong emotional and physical connection is not a guarantee that you can get your ex back, but it definitely helps. You’ll know that you have this kind of connection when you feel happy, safe, and calm in each other’s company. Intense highs and lows can make you feel strongly connected to someone, but they’re actually signs of a toxic relationship. If you feel an irresistible pull toward them, but it makes you unhappy or insecure, then perhaps rekindling that flame isn’t the best idea.
If you want to know whether your ex feels that spark for you too, taking a deeper look at their natal chart or researching their star sign can give you insight into the telltale signs that indicate that your ex isn’t as over you as you thought they were. If your ex is a Cancerian, it’ll be rather easy to tell because water signs are typically controlled by emotions. If you are wondering how to get a Cancer man back, something as simple as a friendly text message will be enough to grab his attention. You can then arrange a casual meet up to see if the spark is still there.
The past is the past
If you can both forgive each other for whatever happened the first time around, you may be able to work it out. However, you have to be able to wipe the slate clean; if one of you is holding a grudge, you won’t be able to get the fresh start you want. Be honest with yourself, and make sure that you’ve genuinely forgiven them for whatever happened in the past. Resentment is a poison to any relationship. If there’s any trace of it, you’re sentencing the relationship to death from the start.
Love is perhaps the most confusing sentiment we experience as humans, but it’s also the most beautiful. Just because a relationship is over doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road for the couple. People break up and get back together all the time; the most important thing is to make sure that you’ve both done the inner work needed to work through your conflicts and overcome your differences. Otherwise, history will keep repeating itself, and you’ll be stuck in a destructive on/off cycle that’s driven entirely on emotions.
If you’re able to check off everything on this list, then you and your ex can have a shot at rekindling the relationship and maybe even turning it into something better and stronger.
Helen Bradfield did her degree in psychology at the University of Edinburgh. She has an ongoing interest in mental health and well-being.
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