Some children and teens love returning to school after the summer holidays – it’s a chance to reunite with friends, get stuck into learning, and re-establish a routine.
But for others, the prospect of walking through the school gates is full of anxiety, stress and oftentimes fear. In fact, a survey by youth mental health charity stem4 found that almost three in 10 secondary school pupils avoid going to school because doing so would make them anxious.
So as we approach a new school year, there’ll be parents up and down the UK wondering how they can help their young people with back-to-school anxiety. Luckily, international family therapist Fiona Yassin has the answers.
Yassin, who is the founder and clinical director of The Wave Clinic, an independent clinic specialising in trauma treatment, eating disorders, and mental health treatment for teenagers, young adults, and families, has shared six simple strategies parents can use to support anxious children. Plus, she explains the most effective technique parents can use to help children manage overwhelming feelings.
The most effective technique to calm back-to-school nerves
It’s really important to help children and teens understand that we can hold more than one emotion at once, explains Yassin.
“Often, when we are experiencing a negative emotion, we might say, ‘I am very nervous’, ‘I feel anxious’, ‘I am overwhelmed’. This implies that the whole self is consumed by one negative feeling. Instead, we should encourage children to say, ‘part of me is nervous’, ‘part of me is overwhelmed’, ‘part of me feels anxious’.
“The key is helping children to understand that they are able to hold more than one emotion or thought at the same time – it’s a skill we use in dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). Reframing how they think and talk about negative emotions can help to prevent a child spiralling into a catastrophic style of thinking,” says Yassin.
The therapist, who has over 25 years’ experience working with children and adolescents, suggests parents encourage their child to think about the other emotions they may be feeling. Yassin explains, “It may be that there’s also some excitement about starting back at school, but the positive thoughts have been sidelined by the negative ones. A parent might say, ‘I can hear that part of you is feeling quite anxious and worried about going back-to-school. I wonder what other feelings you might have?’”.
Working with a child on holding a number of emotions at the same time can help them to better manage big and often scary moments.
According to Yassin, here are six simple strategies to help your child with back-to-school anxiety:
1. Ensure your young person feels heard
As parents, we are not there to change the way a child feels, and we are not there to impart our feelings onto them. Instead, our role is to help the child feel heard. The aim is to help them feel more solid and grounded by the end of the conversation. Plus, when a child knows we are available to them for the small things, they are more likely to come to us for the big things when they arise.
2. Empower your young person
Ask your young person if they have any techniques in their toolbox that might help them to navigate the first few days. We want to empower our young people to think of ways that might help them better manage the experience of returning to school. It’s important we encourage our children to build skills to manage emotions.
3. Remind your young person of how they’ve overcome previous challenges
Sometimes children can build up vivid fantasies about what they think will happen in the future. For example, your child may come to you and say, “no one at school will like me” or “everyone in class will hate me”. It can help to share concrete evidence with your child of how they’ve successfully navigated similar situations in the past. This can reassure your young person that they are capable and in reality, the situation will likely not be as scary or negative as they are anticipating.
4. Share practical skills that may help
Find out which part of returning to school is the most anxiety inducing. There may be some practical skills you can share with them to help tackle the specific worry. For example, if they are concerned about making friends, you could equip them with some age-appropriate conversation openers.
5. Prepare ahead
Getting organised and preparing ahead can really help to calm a child’s anxiety. Practice the school walk or drive to help familiarise your child with the route. Tick off a list of practical points, such as trying on the school uniform to make sure it fits, ensuring they know where exactly you will meet them after school. Read the uniform list and ensure what you have matches the requirement – young people tend to like to fit in, and anything that makes them seem different could be anxiety-inducing.
6. Check how much support they would like from you
If it’s age-appropriate, ask your child what type of support they would like from you. It saves you jumping in and trying to problem solve when they are already comfortable managing it on their own. This question also helps to open a dialogue with your child, and it may encourage them to share how they are thinking and feeling with you.
What not to say to a child who has back-to-school anxiety
Avoid the temptation to share your own experience
“When a young person shares their anxiety with us about going back to school or starting a new school, it can be really tempting as a parent to share our own experience – “I remember feeling exactly the same when I was your age…”. However, this can minimise the child’s feelings and may lead to them not feeling heard,” says Yassin.
Yassin continues, “Our duty as a parent in that moment is to be present for our young person, not to hijack the conversation with our own stories. So, however similar you feel your experience is to your child’s, try to avoid sharing it with them.
“Instead, ensure your child knows that you hear them and that you are there for them and will actively listen if they’d like to share more feelings – the important point here is to make yourself fully available, without judgement.”
Do not shutdown conversations
“When we shut a conversation down with a child, what we’re doing is relieving our own discomfort. But it does not give the child the support they need – instead, it shows them that we are not available to them,” says Yassin.
Avoid saying phrases like “Oh, come on, don’t be silly” and “Everyone feels this way.”. These overgeneralise and minimise the child’s feelings. Yassin says, “It’s really important to ensure we are addressing the uniqueness of the child’s situation.”
