“I used to believe that women receive affection and men give affection” – anonymous male detransitioner.
What would detransitioners report if we tracked their progress away from living as transitioned people? Would we see big differences between the males and females? What are the common comorbidities that occur in the cohort? What are their values, interests, and worldviews?
I presented my report to the Genspect conference in Lisbon in 2024. This is a shorter summary that might interest parents, therapists, and gender dysphoric people. The full report can be found here.
With every development in medical technology and pharmacology used to treat pathology, we will see unintended consequences arise. With transition procedures increasing, we are seeing the detransitioner phenomenon also increasing each year. Most agree this is out of control and seems to be a social contagion in most cases, or at least a misguided attempt to treat other mental health issues.
“My gender clinic banned me because they suddenly felt unsafe around me after I mentioned detransition” – several detransitioners.
In my report I cover the basic approaches I use toward mental health. That being primarily existentialism and self-determination theory. I noted the well-known sex differences in personality traits where there is some overlap commonality between the sexes, but the bell curve lands distinctly on the binary of male traits and female traits. This is important because I run a male and a female support group. I allowed for sex-based responses to their transitioning experiences.
“My parents were always too busy for me” – anonymous detransitioner.
I offered some theoretical ideas that might be useful to others, since the group noted they were useful to them. One is the philosophy of the Hero’s Journey; a philosophical approach to cycles of positive disintegration and growth through rites of passage and grappling with the Shadow of the Self. Properly understood, serious harm can be avoided by engaging the process rather than deviating into medical procedures.
Themes and patterns
I detailed various themes and patterns in a table split by male and female. Notably, many detransitioners admitted to guilt and shame about living a deception and coercing others to comply with demands about self-identification that did not fit objective indicators. Some of the males also suffered bullying but admitted perpetrating it too. Both sexes noted the malevolent impact of porn on their identity. This drove high levels of guilt and shame in the males, while in the females it drove fear. The females often raised the issue of internalised misogyny. Some had mothers who portrayed motherhood as difficult or unfulfilling. The males described perceptions that I recognised as gamma bias, a bias reported by Martin Seager and John A. Barry. Gamma bias predicts that males and masculinity will be devalued and even vilified by society at large. The males felt that being a male was shameful; some wanted to stop their sex drive as they felt shame and guilt from it and did not have the skills or competencies to process it. Again, this was driven to pathological levels by porn in many cases.
Meanwhile, some aspects of feminism were an issue for the females. The various waves of feminism were not understood, and confusion leads to hopelessness. They abandoned their sisters and opted to present as males rather than fail at being good feminists or maturing toward motherhood. Of course, both sides can now see how futile this perfectionist mindset was. Strict adherence to trans-ideology seems typical, but some trans-identifying people claim to have little in common with “other trans people”. Perhaps this is a narcissistic defence against shame. Most detrans admit trans-process narcissism; that usually resolves in detransition. But occasionally, even detransitioners adopt other ideologies, sometimes overcorrecting to better perform the consumer-based identities of ‘beautiful’ females or ‘macho’ males. Nevertheless, most gain deeper insights and pursue more meaningful pursuits after detransitioning successfully.
Many of the males reported difficulties with male relationships in their lives. Some had no father or a distant father or suffered abuse by other males. They all agreed that they needed to be needed and that it was easier to be loved being a trans ‘woman’ than being a typical male. Note here a deep desire to be accepted and loved driving misguided efforts to attain these resources. The females noted a lack of healthy role models and feeling overwhelmed by modern beauty standards. Females said they felt more gender dysphoria after transitioning as their female sex characteristics changed. They could never get used to things like a deeper voice, changing hairline, and suppressing feminine-trait responses. Both sexes often reported eating disorders before they began transition.
“I look like my father now”- anonymous eighteen-year-old female detransitioner.
AGP
Autogynephilia; the word seems to invoke horror for some and curiosity for others. I noted in my report that AGP was not an issue for the males in my group. What I should have added was that it is hard to know if it caused them to transition in the first place. Many have impaired memories. But generally, my impression is that the younger males might have become a “sexual singularity” to cope with the guilt and shame of failing to develop skills around their sexuality and sex drive. Porn provides an early deflection from the natural drives that would force healthy growth to make them sexually successful. In my opinion, older males who transition later in life choose to transition and perform their AGP in public are a different cohort from the younger males who have transitioned in the last few years at a young age. The younger cohort is seeking to escape sexual shame, masculine guilt, and adult responsibilities. Transition can provide acceptance, initially bringing them closer to love and affection. But this never lasts. Some will be gay men fearing homophobia or social ostracism. But most are merely emotionally underdeveloped, overly sensitive, and highly empathetic and often have eductive intelligence that is not assuaged by regular schooling. They are not sexual deviants.
“The euphoria of transition dries up” – anonymous detransitioner.
Transcend gender
In the group we started talking about the detrans period as transcending gender. The males who detransition report being more driven for their careers, more motivated, and finally processing the negative emotions from before and during transition. The females embrace their recovered ability to feel and express emotions appropriately again; they find that their relationships improve. They learn to provide security for themselves and adopt a more exploratory way of presenting their feminine traits.
Reasons for detransitioning
By far the most common reason for detransitioning is exhaustion. Maintaining the rituals demanded from this belief system involves daily medication, grooming, dressing, and performing the opposite gender. Most report that this delivered levels of real gender dysphoria far above whatever they believed they had before transition. The idea that it gets better or reduces never comes to pass. Guilt and shame also never get resolved. In fact, it gets worse. My report lists several specific reasons separated by male and female. But the key sex-based differences are that males do not want to be associated with the sociopaths who transition in midlife for sexual gratification. I should note that this support group attracted men of all ages, and they would inevitably already have had reasons to explore detrans. The sociopaths who transition would not seek out a group like this at all, so I am presenting results with selection bias. This is why I did not call this a study of detransitioners.
The reasons the females wanted to detrans had many common elements with the males. For example, both sides wanted to reopen the possibility of having kids, missed genuine intimacy and sexual function, realised “passing” as the opposite sex was unlikely and even in those who passed, it was never enough or brought unforeseen dangers and trauma. One detrans mentioned that he felt more unsafe passing as a sexualised female than as a gay man. Some of the females noted they were bullied or worse, as trans- “boys” in ways they never experienced presenting as female. They all agree on many of these reasons, but unanimously they reported that “living authentically” can only be true if “that’s not reliant on medications or surgery”.
“I believed the doctors, that affirmation was my best option to feel better” – anonymous detransitioner.
Most blamed online grooming for being misled into this belief system. Some finally identified their true sexuality; for example, females realised they were lesbian and had no real use for presenting as male because they were not attracting other lesbians to activate their libido. The power of libido is conceptualised as “life energy”, libido helps to motivate us all for other goals. Living as trans usurps libido and makes all goals very difficult to achieve. In some cases, young adolescents have problems with motivation during puberty, before libido can be activated. Trans ideology channelled through groomers provides a misguided explanation that lures these kids into the trans-medicalising pipeline.
It was surprising to me that most of these detrans re-discovered some of the value and benefits of traditional gender roles. They came to terms with aspects that come naturally; for example, one male realised he needed to become a father and take responsibility to provide and protect his family. As we speak, he is about to marry his detrans wife. They are planning to have a child. I must highlight one outcome was that all of them are now suspicious of medical professionals because many lied to their faces that transition would resolve their complaints. It never does. Transition affirmation by professionals is a lazy, profit-seeking deflection of proper mental health care. Psychology professionals who ‘affirm’ in any way should review their knowledge and understand that they are advancing the beliefs of an irrational ideology driven by groomers who lurk online in the late hours when many of these kids are awake and their parents are asleep.
As part of the support group, I provided some psychoeducation. I would offer ideas about the Shadow, the Self and archetypes as proposed by Jung. Most detrans recognised that they developed a persona to reset expectations and evade emotions of guilt, shame, and fear. The persona has a function; it shields the trans person from adulthood responsibilities. Others in this arena of trying to help trans and detrans people have offered conceptualisations of a victimology culture that prevails in western society. Disability is valued in a consumer-based culture where your value is measured by how much you consume. Medical services are consumed by trans people at levels only appropriate to the severely ill. It is not uncommon to hear figures in the hundreds of thousands of dollars that have been consumed by transitioning and its consequences.
“Never had a proper psychological evaluation” – several detransitioners.
Within some trans-id families, we find evidence of the Drama Triangle conceptualised by Karpman in 1968. This Social Model of Human Interaction predicts that in conflict you will have the persecutor, the saviour, and the victim. Once the dynamic is established, each will reinforce their role to gain power in their chosen arena. This means that the victim is gaining something from being disabled because the saviour is using the victim to gain status against the persecutor. The persecutor is then triggered to escalate persecution, which drives everyone deeper. What happens with trans-ideology is that the trans person in enabled to be a victim by the prevailing social pressures to be trans or queer. Once they sense this power, it becomes irresistible and initially provides a sense of control over others. This does not last; real autonomy is being eroded.
I suggest that people who are low in autonomy, competencies, and relatedness are vulnerable to thinking transition is a solution to everything. Proper support can help these people and their families avoid the deflection onto medicalisation and pursue more worthy, meaningful goals in an era that can offer each of us so many wonderful opportunities for authentic self-actualisation.
I continue to offer detransitioners support and I can be reached here.
